I feel myself getting scared of the marathon. I started training excited to train with a new group and confident that I had it in me to PR at Mountains 2 Beach. But after taking nearly a week off to go to Costa Rica and then coming home to not one, not two but THREE illnesses (two colds and one stomach bug), I’m discouraged. I found myself looking for excuses to back out of the race – to drop to the half marathon. Telling myself that my heart isn’t really in it. But is it? Or am I just scared?
The marathon has broken my heart A LOT. I keep coming back to it – keep trying to see if I can conquer it, and I fail. Even when I tried to enjoy it and take the pressure off at New York, I still fell short of my expectations because it wasn’t fun at all! I’m thankful to have crossed the finish line of six marathons and I honor my body for that. I am proud of that. But I still have some deep seeded fears of failure at the marathon distance.
I think the fears this time are related to the fact that my training is not going as planned. Even though I know that no one’s training cycle is ever perfect and that every one will veer from their plan due to unforeseen circumstances, I think deep down I know that this attempt to PR is going to be yet another close call and that I don’t really have the time to deal with setbacks. I need every piece of speed I can get, and missing speed workouts or tempo runs is not helping my cause. At the same thing, I think – what does it matter if I fail again!? I’ve done it before, I can do it again. But then I remember the PAIN I was in at New York. Do I really want to put my body through that pain again!? For what!? Even if I were to PR is it worth it?
I’m also working at full capacity in a lot of ways right now and I think considering moving down to the half marathon would give me more time to focus on other things in my life. A marathon is a significant conquest and the training and recovery time required are not something to be taken lightly. I feel like now I’m repeating myself from the blog post I wrote after New York where I contemplated skipping M2B all together.
But then this week I had a GREAT speed workout. One of those confidence boosting workouts that leave you will Runner’s High. And then I ran 17 miles this morning and enjoyed almost every minute of it. I felt like I could run plenty more miles if I needed. It felt good. It felt right!
So there you have it – I’m all over the place AGAIN! I’m giving myself a few more weeks to think about it and then commit one way or the other. If I do drop down to the half, I’ll be still going for a PR.
The point of this post is just to get this all out. To share with you, my readers and friends, who I know can likely relate at some level.
Anyone else have any scars from previous races?
Oh scars. We all have them! Why must they affect us so?? (I’m talking life big picture here.) I can’t tell if your heart is really in it or if it’s just fear either. Maybe you should make a list of pros & cons to half vs full!? I know you like lists. ? Whatever decision you make will be the right one for YOU!
I am so with you on this! You know my story about the marathon. It does nothing but break my heart. The BEST marathon I had was when I did Ironman Arizona. It was my worst time for a run but honestly I can’t remember physically hurting. I felt great the whole time. I am sure it was the endorphins, or maybe the fact that my body hurt bad on the bike but whatever the reason that marathon got me going…then I attempted Surf City. That broke my heart all over again. My body has never hurt more. It is a tough thing to go through especially when you aren’t satisfied with your performance and everyone tells you that you should be. I love the honesty in your posts about it all. Don’t leave anything on the table though, if you want to do this you gotta go for it!
It’s so tough!!! I’m so glad you had a great Ironman marathon – mine was so tough! Sheer grit and determination got me to the finish line, the endorphins wore off for me (until the end of course).
I hope we both get our great marathon one day!!!
I can relate to fear based on past races. In the last couple weeks of training I started to get nervous during my long runs. I feel unsure that I will be able to tackle the hills and the length of my upcoming marathon. I hope that you find what makes you happiest and sets you free for this training cycle, because that is what running is supposed to do =)
Thanks Beth! I hope your training is going well!
Oh, those scars! I’ve only run 3 marathons, but the last marathon I ran was painful and definitely had me seriously doubting my ability as a runner. I then lost motivation to run, which makes it harder when you put the shoes back on and see your times and fitness have dropped because of the long break. I’m starting back again this year at running – had a half marathon in February that I ran-walked with no time pressure, and a half marathon that I’m specifically training for in May. I have a new plan and its basic – my goal is to just complete the workouts and then complete the race; and then start that cycle again. I still dream about cracking a BQ, but the marathon is a beast. A beast to be respected, not a beast to be feared, but still a beast.
It’s such a beast! It’s so tough becuase you really never know what kind of day it will be. It might be YOUR day and it might just be a bad day. It’s tough to go into a race you trained for so hard knowing it might just not be your day. I think that’s my biggest struggle!
thanks for sharing your story with me!
Yes, yes, yes. To everything you said. I feel the exact same way right now. I keep wondering if I will ever be as “fast” as I once was and if I really even want to be? Do I even want to run marathons? Confidence level = low. But then there is that one amazing workout or long run that draws me back in and reassures me. Thanks for the honesty – always nice to know I am not alone 🙂
Glad to hear I’m not alone too! Although sorry your confidence is low – you’re a great runner! You’ve always inspired me. I hope you get your mojo back!