I feel myself getting scared of the marathon. I started training excited to train with a new group and confident that I had it in me to PR at Mountains 2 Beach. But after taking nearly a week off to go to Costa Rica and then coming home to not one, not two but THREE illnesses (two colds and one stomach bug), I’m discouraged. I found myself looking for excuses to back out of the race – to drop to the half marathon. Telling myself that my heart isn’t really in it. But is it? Or am I just scared?
The marathon has broken my heart A LOT. I keep coming back to it – keep trying to see if I can conquer it, and I fail. Even when I tried to enjoy it and take the pressure off at New York, I still fell short of my expectations because it wasn’t fun at all! I’m thankful to have crossed the finish line of six marathons and I honor my body for that. I am proud of that. But I still have some deep seeded fears of failure at the marathon distance.
I think the fears this time are related to the fact that my training is not going as planned. Even though I know that no one’s training cycle is ever perfect and that every one will veer from their plan due to unforeseen circumstances, I think deep down I know that this attempt to PR is going to be yet another close call and that I don’t really have the time to deal with setbacks. I need every piece of speed I can get, and missing speed workouts or tempo runs is not helping my cause. At the same thing, I think – what does it matter if I fail again!? I’ve done it before, I can do it again. But then I remember the PAIN I was in at New York. Do I really want to put my body through that pain again!? For what!? Even if I were to PR is it worth it?
I’m also working at full capacity in a lot of ways right now and I think considering moving down to the half marathon would give me more time to focus on other things in my life. A marathon is a significant conquest and the training and recovery time required are not something to be taken lightly. I feel like now I’m repeating myself from the blog post I wrote after New York where I contemplated skipping M2B all together.
But then this week I had a GREAT speed workout. One of those confidence boosting workouts that leave you will Runner’s High. And then I ran 17 miles this morning and enjoyed almost every minute of it. I felt like I could run plenty more miles if I needed. It felt good. It felt right!
So there you have it – I’m all over the place AGAIN! I’m giving myself a few more weeks to think about it and then commit one way or the other. If I do drop down to the half, I’ll be still going for a PR.
The point of this post is just to get this all out. To share with you, my readers and friends, who I know can likely relate at some level.
Anyone else have any scars from previous races?