This is something that I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. I don’t love being pregnant. Honestly, I don’t even really like it. Yes there are things that I LOVE about it and there are things I enjoy about it – like feeling kicks, knowing I’m creating life, the anticipation of the baby’s arrival, the baby shower, watching Siena get excited to become a big sister…. And I know I’m lucky to be able to naturally conceive a child and I’m lucky to be carrying not just one, but two, healthy babies.
But pregnancy is hard. It’s not all cute weekly bump photos, ultrasounds, and eating an extra cookie (or three) because “the baby wants it.” The first trimester was really, really hard. Last time it was hard and this time it was worse. Living with non-stop nausea (and I can’t even imagine those who are constantly throwing up!) and exhaustion for months on end can really wear on you. I wouldn’t say I was depressed, but I had symptoms of depression. Nothing seemed wonderful anymore. I wasn’t motivated. I felt guilt over my lack of motivation and productivity. Nothing sounded good to eat. I was uncomfortable, sick, tired, and scared. Mom guilt starts with the child in the womb – was I doing enough for these babies? Could I ever love them the way I love Siena (second and third time moms always tell me YES)?
Half the time I wasn’t even thinking about them at all, I was focusing my attention on keeping my toddler alive and happy and how to make my never ending to-do list get shorter (when instead it just got longer). Sadly when I did think about the twins, I got a sense of anxiety at the idea of trying to manage three children under three. The financial burden alone is overwhelming, given that I will have to cut back on my work hours. Imagining breastfeeding two babies is scary, especially since I struggled to breastfeed one baby. Instead of dreaming of my two tiny little beautiful babies to cuddle, I often thought about the sleepless nights and the unending list of chores. Even with an incredibly supportive husband who I know I will be able to rely on, I’m scared for those early months.
In the first trimester, I felt guilty for taking naps every day even though that’s what my body was literally forcing me to do. I felt privileged for even being able to take naps (even though this meant I was working less and making less money). Honestly part of me even feels guilty even saying these words out loud becuase I don’t want to offend someone. But I also know that there have to be other women who feel like this and I want them to know they’re not alone.
I’m happy to say that those depression like symptoms mostly disappeared after the nausea stopped around 16 weeks. I won’t lie and say I still don’t have some anxious thoughts about the upcoming early days and how I’ll ever manage to have time for myself with three small children at home. I miss feeling like myself. I miss pushing myself hard in workouts and going for long runs. I miss drinking wine (more than one glass). I miss sleeping on my stomach. Sleeping is getting harder and I know it’s jut going to get worse as my belly grows. I know that I’m actually in the best part of my pregnancy and I need to take that for granted and enjoy it. This will be my last pregnancy and it’ll be over before I know it.
Focusing on the good things is the best thing I can do for myself right now. These children will be so loved. I’m getting the large family I always wanted. These hard times in the early days will be worth it. Without a doubt.
Fellow moms and moms to be, do you like being pregnant?
I have two girls (3 and 1) and I can say I HATE being pregnant. I was nauseous my entire pregnancy both times. My second one was exhausting having a toddler at home and having to drag myself to work. I felt like I lost an entire year of my life and failed my first daughter in the process. But looking back we managed to do a lot of fun things even during my pregnancy and I know I did not ruin my first borns life by not being as hands on during my pregnancy. I felt guilty during my second pregnancy because I can honestly say I did not even enjoy the “good” parts of pregnancy (feeling the baby kick etc. ) I do want one more baby and I have accepted the fact that when the time comes I will be miserable again. But In the end it is so very worth it 🙂 and yes you will love all your kids just the same. Although with my second the baby months were more of a blur and I still feel like I’m failing to give enough attention some days!
Man it’s tough!!! Siena watches way more TV than I imagined I’d ever let her which makes me feel guilty too. We’re just doing our best. I was an only child and I wished for siblings soooo much. So even if you gave her a little less attention for that year, at least she has a sibling for life!
Oh girl. I’m right there with you. I did not like being pregnant. I shared those thoughts, too, but it’s hard when I feel guilty for saying those things when others can’t get pregnant. You pregnant with twins- gosh I would be freaking out and the financial burden would be making me so anxious. I’m glad you are feeling better after 16 weeks, but until you’ve gone through pregnancy and had a toddler, or more, you can’t really say anything!
It is tough!! Pregnancy with a toddler brings it to a whole new level too.
Your feelings are beautifully written! I’m a mom of two and also feel a little guilty for not enjoying pregnancy. I was able to conceive on our first try twice, was nauseous and tired during the 1st trimester but nothing too bad, and overall had two healthy uncomplicated pregnancies. But I HATE not feeling like myself. I hate that there is nothing I can do about it. And I hate the guilt that comes along with it!
To your point about being scared you won’t love your second and third daughters as much as you love Siena – of course you will, but it will be different and it may not be immediate. I sobbed in the hospital in the days after my second was born because I missed my first so much. I love him because he taught me to be a mom and we undertook this parent-child relationship adventure together first. I will never love my second like that. BUT I love my second for so many wonderful things about her! My love for her is so easy and comfortable. She brings me so much joy and almost none of the anxiety I felt with my first. I’m tearing up just writing this! My point is, it is completely normal to have an adjustment period after the babies are born where the love isn’t overwhelming. You are a great mom and all the pieces will fall into place. I hope you can relax and trust the natural process (<- I wish someone had told me that!). I'm excited for you and I hope the sucky parts of pregnancy pass quickly!
Thank you so much Jessica! And it helps to know I may not bond immediately. I honestly did not bond super strongly immediately with Siena either – the love grew with time.
I do not like being pregnant. I almost feel guilty when I get too hungry because it doesn’t just effect me, but I also get so sick of eating all the time. And the nausea and exhaustion are so difficult to deal with. Although, I used acupuncture to help with the nausea – I don’t know how people function with the full-blown experience of it. A lot of times, I’m glad my toddler likes to sit and read and that she has daycare. Hang in there!! I actually enjoy the birth and having a baby, so that’s the part I focus on.
Ugh I know, as soon as I feel hungry I feel like it’s my DUTY to eat immediately. And sometimes it’s not convenient!! Smart to focus on the parts you enjoy! I’m scared for labor honestly – I had such an intense one with Siena and now there are so many curveballs with delivering twins. But I need to face that!
I absolutely adored being pregnant with my son (a month younger than Siena). I loved being pregnant, even apart from the pregnancy anxiety which is so normal. We had just started trying for our second this fall when I was diagnosed with breast cancer at age 32. This put any future kids off the table for us. And I actually sort of felt relieved that I wasn’t going to have to go through another pregnancy, as strange as that sounds. Life throws us all sorts of curveballs all the time, and it’s ok to feel what you’re feeling instead of trying to force yourself to be happy. I’ve found a lot of comfort in accepting my own feelings.
I’m really sorry to hear about your breast cancer – I’m sure it has been difficult to go through treatment especially with a toddler. I am glad that you’ve found comfort in accepting your feelings about another pregnancy. Hugs!!
I as well am pregnant with twins. I am 18 weeks today, I have to admit when I went to the doctor for the very first time and heard “There is not one heart beat there is two” I bursted into tears and I had to ask the doctor to give me a moment. I felt scared for myself, my fiancee and our 3 1/2 year old daughter. Like you, we naturally conceived twins and know this is a blessing. We are excited and happy for our growing family but I would be lying if I did not admit that somedays I just have an overwhelming amount of fear of how am I going to do this!?
My first trimester was very rough, I have a very supportive partner and I was sleeping, crying, had headaches and the nausea was just horrible! My daughter would ask me if I was sick again, and even pretend to be sick too! Made me feel like the worst mom ever.
Now that I am into my second trimester I am feeling much better. Stocked up on maternity clothes on Black Friday and just have had more energy to do things like shower! 🙂
My daughter has her Elf on the Shelf up and helped put up all the Christmas Decorations. We are headed to Magic Kingdom for a quick trip after Christmas to give her the trip she has always dreamed of.
Things are not easy and I have my moments..(trust me..lol) but we are moving in the right direction! I have even hired someone to just help with laundry!
I am glad I came across your post and please know you are not alone!!
This is exactly how I’ve felt! And it left me feeling slightly guilty. So refreshing to read I’m not alone… I miss my long runs and motivation more than anything. At 36 weeks 4 days I’m in the hone stretch. Feeling large, uncomfortable and nervous about my business post baby. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I feel you girl! I feel so guilty for missing things about my life instead of enjoying my pregnancies but I just don’t love it, there is little that is fun about it to me. BUT like you I am so grateful that I am able to do it and am excited to meet my little baby.
Oh, I wish I had read this when I was pregnant! I did not enjoy it either. Awful nausea and had to give up running due to awful leakage – despite all the kegels in the world. Had an awful birth and took forever to feel normal and not like part of me was about to fall out! I wish I had read some more realistic stories like this as opposed to reading what I should have in my hospital bag – cos that doesn’t really matter!
I found it a while to bond also which made me feel so guilty until I shared that with my mothers group and many of us were the same.
So I say well done to you for posting this and putting yourself out there. Hopefully the rest of the pregnancy goes quickly and you can start to feel like yourself soon. It sounds like you have a lovely support system. take care. x
Glad to help Gilly.
I found your Instagram account after I was told I was pregnant with twins a couple of weeks ago. I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and we wanted a second, but I never imagined twins. I have been having feelings of depression, anxiety and all of the same fears you have/had. It is SO NICE to know that I’m not alone. My husband is so excited and I’m in a funk that I can’t get out of. I feel so guilty about having these feelings. I’m hoping that it has something to do with being in the first trimester and all of the additional hormones.
Yes, the first trimester is so hard. I hope it gets better for you – it definitely did for me!!!
Congrats on the twins!!!
I have a similar relationship to pregnancy as you do. I miss a lot of things and I’m so looking forward to getting them back. And much like you I had a couple of tough months because of the nausea and exhaustion and i’m so glad those are over. At the same time i’m loving the idea of this baby, i love feeling her and talking to her, much more than i did with my first born. And as this pregnancy is coming to an end i’m also starting to feel a bit nostalgic since I’m pretty sure this is my last one.
It’s so funny, I know Ill be nostalgic about it too!
Glad you’re feeling better!